Communication Lesson Learned

I recently learned a profound lesson in communication. Very early in my career, I was told by my boss that I was a good communicator. I think he was right. And since hearing that, I've worked hard on improving that particular skill. One thing I fairly consistently observed, though, was that would occassionally find myself having difficulty communicating with some people. It happened most often when talking with smart people that have expertise in the same areas I do. I found that each one of us would want to move the conversation along by talking over the other, assuming that we understood what the person was saying without them having to say it. In fact, that ususally started arguments, and resulted in the exact opposite of communication.

What really solidifed this lesson in my mind was a really good example of how not to do it. I recently had an experience in which a co-worker and I routinely had conflict due to mutual failure to communicate. This person consistently failed to listen, even after I told him directly that he wasn't listening. After butting heads a few times and becoming exceedingly annoyed with this person, it occurred to me that I also do this to others and needed to change my own behavior. Through this experience, I've learned to be more aware of this and let the other person finish his or her thought before responding. I also try to paraphrase back to them to make sure I've understood. This has helped considerably with my communication abilities. However, there's a catch.

The catch is that I have to be less concerned about myself and my own position, and more concerned that I'm communicating effectively. There's a very real possiblity that what I was going to say gets lost as the opportunity to say it passes. However, by practicing this, I have found more than once that the other person actually says what I was going to say if I just let him or her finish.

Thinking about this reminds me of a time years ago, when I was part of a consulting team at a customer site. The primary customer point of contact was difficult to work with and didn't listen well. During a particularly contentious meeting, one of the executives sat quietly through the whole thing, and waited until the discussions/arguments wound down. Then, he very quietly summarized the problem at hand, and offered a clear way ahead. I was impressed with both his restraint and insight, and seek to emulate that now.

The downside? I now become more annoyed than I should when I observe that behavior in others.

So what am I really saying? Basically, I've finally internalized Stephen Covey's Habit 5: "Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood." It's critical to good communication, and it seems that it's not a natural thing to do for most people. You might say something like "everyone knows that!" Maybe so, but did you know that you can save 15% or more on car insurance with Geico?